Ep 4: SCARED of New Relationships, AFRAID to Trust, UNDERSTANDING OUR FEARS

Today we’re talking about fears. Yes, your fears may be valid, but that doesn’t mean that they have to control your life forever, & they don’t have to be the reason why you sabotage your new relationships.

So how can we get rid of our fears??? Honestly, we can’t always get rid of every fear we have. But we CAN stop them from controlling us. So in today’s episode, we’re talking all about how to understand your fears & get a grip on them.

 

After having a horrible relationship or a bad breakup, we get paralyzed by fear. It makes us scared to enter new relationships, afraid to trust, and terrified of getting our hearts broken again. It makes us expect & fear the worst from EVERY man we date afterwards.

But no matter what happened in your past, and no matter how successful your new relationships will be in the future, there’s ALWAYS gonna be some form of fear in our heads. 

And it’s completely normal to have those fears after dealing with the crazy things we’ve dealt with. But we can’t let our fears control our lives! It’s time for us to acknowledge & understand our fears.

A lot of times, society makes us feel like we have to stay quiet about the fears we have. We’re not supposed to let people know that we’re terrified of something. And we’re supposed to act tough, like nothing gets to us.

I think that’s BS! Because when you can actually start to understand your fears & you can express those fears… they lose their power over you. They’re no longer controlling your life!

After being in my abusive, toxic relationship, & after being cheated on, I had the hardest time letting go of my fear. I let my fear of being cheated on make me insecure in my new relationships for almost ten years!

And if I’m being completely honest with you, I STILL have that fear that the love of my life is gonna break my heart. It's a fear that’s always in the back of my mind. But instead of letting it control me, I chose to acknowledge it. I chose to be open about it and tell my current bf about it, and you know what??

He understood it completely! And he doesn’t hate me for having that fear… he just wants to know that I can keep it under control!

So how can you get a grip on your fears so they don’t control your every move & sabotage your new relationships???

First, you need to acknowledge the fears you have. Open up the lines of communication & talk to people about it. Talk to yourself about it. Get really clear on what it is you’re scared of.

Then get out a journal and write! Writing things out gives you so much clarity, & helps your brain make connections. You’ll be surprised what you realize is an irrational thought once you put pen to paper.

 

Here’s some questions to get you thinking about those fears when you’re writing (plus my own example of how I worked through this):

 

#1: What am I scared of?

For me, I have a fear that every boyfriend I date will cheat on me. 

 

#2: Why do I have that fear? (This validates our fears)

I have that fear because I was cheated on more than once in the past by someone who said he loved me. It hurt a lot!!! And my heart was shattered. I didn’t think I could get through life anymore. This is a valid reason to have the fear I have now.

 

#3: So what does that fear mean?? If that fear came true, what would it mean?

In my head, I might think that if someone cheats on me, it means I’m not good enough to keep a man. That something must be wrong with me, or that I’m the problem.

 

#4: Now, is that really true???

Honestly? NO!!! It’s not true. It’s not my fault that someone else makes a decision to be unfaithful. That’s their decision, not mine. It would reflect on his character… not mine.

 

#5: If its not true, now what does it mean?

So that means that if a guy does cheat, it’s his fault, and I’m really not the problem. If he cheats, I actually dodged a bullet, and I’d be glad I got to see his true colors sooner rather than later.

 

#6: What would it mean if that fear never even came true?

If that fear of mine never comes true… that means that the person I’m with now is faithful, loving, and could be a great partner for me. And that means I can have a relationship with trust. So I don’t have to let my fear stop me from trusting this new guy!

 

See, it’s important for us to validate our fears because it lets us know that we’re not crazy to be thinking the way we are! We have a good reason! But we don’t have to allow that fear to stop us from living! We can’t let it control us for the rest of our lives!

Remember, you can only control yourself and your actions. You can never control the actions of others. So while the fears you have may be valid, it doesn’t mean that you should continue to suffer for the decisions someone else made, or for the shitty characteristics someone else has.

Start to change your mindset about your fears… they’re probably irrational thoughts preventing you from moving forward.

Anyone who’s ever been successful in life got there by dancing with their fears, not by letting them take control.

So its okay to have fears. Just choose to dance with them instead of standing on the sidelines watching them have all the fun.

When you can understand your fears, they lose their power, life changes, and things get easier.

Quote of the Day:
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

 

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